The Most Important Thing To Know About Men

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Respect, Love, And Men

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“If you had to choose, would you rather feel alone and unloved or inadequate and disrespected?”

Now let me guess your answers. If you are a woman you will first tell me that being loved AND respected is important in a relationship. Then with some poking and prodding you will acknowledge that you would rather feel disrespected than unloved. If you are a man you would choose alone and unloved over inadequate and disrespected. You will also probably argue with me less before answering.

About 3 out of 4 men will answer that they would prefer to go their entire lives unloved rather than disrespected.

It should not surprise us that men and women are different and yet, so very often, we assume that our partner’s needs are identical to our own. But we are not the same and our needs are complimentary. Where women desire unconditional love, men desire unconditional respect. When his partner is disrespectful in some way, it feels as painful to him as feeling unloved does for us.

This is tricky because our minds tell us that respect is earned while love… is. Taking a moment to reflect on that idea, we can quickly establish that we are not lovable at all times. The most obvious example is the hormonal woman for whom nothing is right. It is too hot, too cold, she’d rather be in bed, she’s stressed and snippy, doesn’t want to cook dinner and is a generally unpleasant to be around. Her husband still loves her in spite of perhaps preferring the much happier wife that he is accustomed to.

Every man will slip up on occasion; life is long and fraught with missteps, and that does not make him unworthy of respect. Just as he still demonstrates love when you are not at your best, so should you demonstrate respect when he is not at his.

Because this is what men require to thrive in a relationship. Love is simply not enough.

But What Is Respect, Really?

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Respect is the choice to trust, admire and believe in your mate. It is giving up some control and allowing him to chart the course. It is praising and thanking him for both what he does and for who he is.

• You can respect his judgment, knowledge, opinions and decisions. Don’t second guess or mistrust his knowledge or decisions. Defer to him.
• You can respect his abilities. Men have a drive to conquer the world and figure things out for themselves. If he takes on a task, do not insert yourself or suggest that someone else can do it better. Be cautious when giving advice that your advice is wanted and not a way you are telling him that he cannot succeed on his own.
• You can notice and appreciate his accomplishments. “You are a great dad” or “You did well at that meeting” can be more powerful than “I love you”. Be proud of him and tell him so.
• You can avoid public displays of criticism or disrespect. Praise him in public even if you disagree in private. Light teasing is rarely viewed that way by men, especially in front of others.
• You can avoid negative assumptions and judgments. Nagging or reminding assumes that he is forgetful and unable to allocate his time properly. Give him the benefit of the doubt that he has good intentions and is capable enough to run his own life.

A woman who can understand that men require respect to feel loved and can demonstrate that respect within her relationship, is a cut above the rest. And our men need us to build them up more than ever. In a world where white men are regularly denigrated, rejected and treated like the enemy, the home and family should be a place of restoration and support.

Loving him the way he needs to be loved will help our men find the strength to reconquer the world.