A satirical weekly article highlighting fictious moments in Midwestern history
By Silas P. Whitmore, March 7, 1872
In the annals of Midwestern misadventure, few tales rival the infamous Great Wisconsin Chair Heist of 1872. Our story begins in the bustling town of Sheboygan, where the local furniture magnates prided themselves on crafting the finest chairs this side of the Mississippi—each piece a testament to both comfort and the region’s abundant timber.
Enter Lars and Ole Gundersen, two enterprising fellows whose ambition was matched only by their lack of foresight. Observing the success of the Sheboygan chair barons, they concocted a plan to liberate a shipment of these esteemed seats, believing that Milwaukee’s discerning derrières would pay top dollar for such luxury.
Under the cloak of a particularly foggy March evening, our intrepid duo set forth with a borrowed wagon and a borrowed horse—both procured without the tedious formality of the owners’ consent. Arriving at the warehouse, they marveled at their good fortune: stacks upon stacks of chairs, each more inviting than the last. They loaded their conveyance to the brim, envisioning a future replete with wealth and notoriety.
Alas, in their enthusiasm, they overlooked a crucial detail: the combined weight of their plunder far exceeded the capacity of their conveyance. As they trundled down the road, the wagon groaned, the horse protested, and the cobblestones of Sheboygan bore witness to a trail of abandoned chairs, each ejected from the overburdened cart like so much unwanted baggage.
By the time they reached Milwaukee, Lars and Ole found themselves in possession of a solitary chair—the lone survivor of their ill-fated expedition. Undeterred, they presented it to a local tavern keeper, who, after some negotiation, agreed to accept it as partial payment for a round of beers.
Thus concluded the Great Wisconsin Chair Heist, a caper that yielded little more than a cautionary tale about the perils of overzealous entrepreneurship and the importance of understanding basic physics. Lars and Ole’s legacy endures, serving as a reminder that while ambition is commendable, it’s best tempered with a healthy dose of common sense.