An essay by contributor Pearl. If you would like to submit your own content, please email amerikanercontributions@proton.me
I believe that it is a natural inclination for women to complain about our men. Not even men, broadly, but specifically our men. You know the ones, those guys we are dating, the ones we married.
Arguably, this is a manner in which women bond. Venting to friends helps us know that we aren’t alone in our frustrations and it helps us feel closer to our gals.
But…
Focusing on your partners flaws only makes them loom larger in your mind. It is a way that we shift responsibility from ourselves (something we can fix) to him (something about which we can only wring our hands and clutch our pearls). Problems can only be fixed if you acknowledge your own role. The more negative things you have to say about your man, the more you are teaching yourself to dislike him.
It goes further too. While I firmly believe that every woman should have a likeminded friend to confide in, if you spend too much of your time speaking ill of your partner, your friends and family will think ill of your partner. Your loved ones would be remiss to allow you to stay in a bad relationship with a bad man – so you see where this can cause problems to the long term stability of said relationship.
But hey, you love him, so that’s not too hard. We might need a reminder from time to time, but all in all, “don’t bad mouth your man” is a completely reasonable rule of life.
My challenge to you this week is to not bad mouth men.
Now there are plenty of women out there who will want to burn me in effigy for this. “Have you met men?” they will type to me in ALL CAPS. So permit me to elaborate.
I do not believe that men are the ideal specimens of humanity, so far above women that we must bow before them. I’m also not advising you to defer to any man in the room simply for being male. The battle of the sexes is a concept as old as time (why hello Lysistrata, I see you over there on the bookshelf). It’s not a secret to women over the age of 16 that men will say whatever they must to get in our pants, commitment is optional (Once, while on vacation, my husband swore to me that mosquitos do not like still water in an attempt to con my pants off). So why must I be NICE to random men?
You are the sum of your thoughts and your actions. If you spend all day thinking how terrible men are, it will be difficult to turn off and engage lightheartedly with your partner. If you are always waiting to mistrust men, men will pick up on that and they won’t pick you up. If you spend your time discussing how all men are fuckboys and players then you are more likely to self-sabotage by finding fuckboys and players. Cognitive behavioral therapy has been built and prospered around the idea of controlling your thoughts to your own benefit.
We do not need to be bitter and angry. You cannot be a soft place to land if you have a permanent scowl on your face or if you are always on edge waiting for a man to do you wrong.
What I am not suggesting is a wide-eyed naivete. Life is full of risks that we must do our best to mitigate. Use your brain. If you feel too emotional to make a good decision, move away from the situation. Vet your men well, do not believe what you are told if it’s not followed by action and don’t believe what you are told if it defies logic (lest you end up covered in mosquito bites).
But don’t badmouth men. It conditions your brain to be negative and keeps you anxious in your interactions. Even if you don’t give a flip about men in general, that’s not a healthy way for you to go through life.
Besides, you’d be so much prettier if you smiled.